First days of July comes softly, summer nights are never over. Jupiter in Aries for a year ahead now and it’s in my second house, it’s all about realizing your self worth and there’s definitely some good karma here coming to help you and shift changing you for better not for worse. And Im ready for this, maybe it’s a good place in the university I’ll be applying to, this summer or something else, I don’t know! My aunts are coming to our house to celebrate Eid Aladha here with us they’re all gathering in school vacation, it happens that my birthday is somewhere in the middle but it’s not any birthday, this is the last year in my twenties. I’ll say goodby to this decade in my life because the next year I’ll start a new decade with new spirit and view of this world. A wiser , a mature view. On my birthday, I woke up early, took a warm shower and wore my new dress here it is, with no fancy cake, no big celebration just a beautiful vanilla cake topped with lotus cream with two purple candles on top, and I got the prettiest flower’s bouquet from my little sister & mom. I was the happiest, reading mural by Mahmoud Darwish for the second time because the first were in my high school years here I lie after 11 years with the same passion and admiration that never changed for his poetry. Pale orange dress with flowers prints matching the yellow heat of summer and the fire of youth, fire! a word I use for the first time, a word I don’t usually use but I wanted to right something different because I feel different, fire could be anger or could be a moment of growth and dedication or it’s just a feeling because It’s as it is. All I want these days is to enjoy the simple, small pleasures of life but it seems impossible while I’m still eating medications that I don’t need, forcefully and I can’t do nothing about it except running away. I applied to my local university this month, hoping I’ll be accepted to study a medical course, therefore I’ll be studying medicine. But I can’t handle another year in the Middle East with all of this emotions baggage that I take and I lived with all this 9 years. I need a faraway land to start a healing journey, a place to change in, a new fresh air and clear skies.
I went to a salon to cut my hair a little shorter, just little because I cut it on my own couple of months ago and it wasn’t equal to each other, so! And I did my nails too, French nails are my favorite. I ordered matcha and I’m trying it for the first time, I put a small spoon of matcha powder and mix it with little boiled water and then add hot milk, voila! It’s so delicious and healthy. I also bought a black Nike backpack just for college, and I get it on my birthday. But I don’t know why I just felt disgusted and sickened from the things that I’ve been through they’re really moving bad emotions and feeling in my chest and tummy of disgustingness I’m really ill of the amount of ugliness of those people that bullied me. I remember I’ve participated in the bullying campaign that started from Nadhim Zahawi (Secretary of UK for education) on Twitter, they start a hashtag called #speakoutaboutbullying and I mentioned few things of what happened with me. Not all life pleasures can change the real agony I was in, it’s real psychological war, it’s real traumas that I need deeply to heal from. One thing hits me so hard when a disgusting doctor from Arabic nationality speak to me without invitation that “everything changed in the country now “ and saying sarcastically “you became beautiful” “be mature in mind” can you imagine the amount of ugliness; if I was a patient when I was actually a patient under these ugly souls you shouldn’t treat me like this where is your Hippocratic Oath is this how to speak to a patient you pretend to treat but if I wasn’t healthy totally in my beautiful mind they’ll not speak as such. She says this because in my first meeting with doctors in my stay at a mental hospital she speaks to the other doctor about adding another medication along way with risperdal, how inhuman she is but the other doctor speaks no there’s no need. I don’t want to remember her she’s way less than we do to make such an evil spirit alive in our memories but I want to move on and send this pain away from me. I’ll never speak again about this specific thing whether before and nor after. I wish I’ve I just could bruise them like they bruised my soul but I was like I’m handcuffed and now I’m on a mission to heal the world’s wounds.
I had many nights where I couldn’t sleep but with pills, I’m eating Quetiapine now 200 mg, the new addition to my life. I remember at middle of June I dreamt a strange dream like I was missing floating on water because there were people playing in something like water park that goes in one direction and because I refuse to play with them I missed the path that carry’s them down, suddenly I find myself stepping on dead animals like rats and sleeping baby monkeys they were so beautiful and peaceful when I looked down to them when I was trying to survive out of the water, then I woke up. I don’t usually remember my dreams but this dream looks like it was carved in me, so strange specially the image of the two baby monkeys sleeping beside each other, I don’t know what it may mean but I’ll just move on and forget about it, like many other things in life. Something that will never be forgotten this year is my grandmother’s death on 10 april, 2022 Ramadan in hospital I’ll never forget how I woke up shockingly from my aunts screams saying to my mom “our mother’s gone, we will never see her again” and keeps repeating it while crying and suddenly everyone came to our house from relatives and they were crying because they’ll pray on her and burry her. For three days unbelievable amount of womens coming to our home for consolation. I’ve greeted them and sat away of them, I was all alone as usual but I dealt with it coldly I just remembered the bad and good days we felt with her and I remembered the green dress I wanted her to give it to me when I were a kid and how she remember me and gave it to me last year when we moved to Taif. And I remember a picture I told to my mom she was kissing me on my cheek, I was maybe 10 or 11 in the picture and I say she loved us even when my father wasn’t a good husband to my mom and we felt outsiders in my mom’s family.
Heimstätte 