First day

I’ve got my monthly salary today as an online, working from home employee but I’ve told you that I want to work in real place with real office just to uplift my life a little bit. It’s the first day of November and here to new beautiful beginnings and new start. It’s starting getting colder outside and I can’t wait to get my new coat from Stradivarius, vanilla puffer jacket, but I’m thinking about getting it from store instead delivering it to my home because it isn’t shipped yet and it took plenty of time, over two weeks now. I also ordered from miniso, office essentials so I can write and work properly, it didn’t cost much and there were so many pretty pens and paper notes that I can’t wait to have them.

New office

I’m searching for a job, I want to work with SABB now. I’ve changed a lot through the years and I’m not the same no more. They say when you don’t change you don’t evolve. I opened a new account on Pinterest and I loved what I’m becoming. I tried writing poetry endlessly but it seems upsetting because I lack vocabulary and experience, I found myself writing prose instead and it’s sounded pretty so far. Should I get back on writing in Arabic? Or no? Recently I was watching the crown season four because season five will drop on November 9 so I took a moment to recall and recover what I was watching, it’s lovely I enjoyed every bit of it.

Yesterday, on 27 Oct I started watching Dubai bling and I kinda like it, the lifestyle, the luxury, but it seems they’re acting which is kinda weird. I bought my new office from ikea couple of days ago and I love my new writing sanctuary. All white and clean just fits my personality. Last week on 23rd of Oct. I had a pedicure and manicure session with a worker from lavender spa; a home spa service. I did my nails wonderful sheer white tip like in French nails with square shape, the worker was good and nice to me and I loved the service.

This little girl has grown up

It’s august already and I’m feeling happy, I try to apply for the university but unfortunately another problem appears from nowhere! They says registration is completely online there is no handling documents or sending it by postal services, therefore I apply online but they said “you don’t have information in noor admission’s gate so please fill in your information” I fill in my information and there’s another problem; they said “ you don’t have GAT or SAAT tests of course GAT referred to General Aptitude Test and SAAT is Standard Achievement Test but I did those tests 11 years ago maybe they don’t store it anymore in their awkward systems but what can I do now only is transferring by providing my academic records and my high school diploma and see if they gonna accept me in the same major, hopefully and finger crossed. Today 23 august I met my dad after months he came to taif these days and said we need to go out tomorrow with him and I have to bull up myself and stand high and tall and be strong to go out with him, because when every time I see him I remember the cycle of abuse I need to break. I’ll never ever forgive him for what he caused to me.

Today is 29th august and it’s my favorite person’s birthday my all time beautiful angel my sister, she turned 28th this year, I wish all the happiness out in the world for her. She’s the only one who stood beside me in my hard times with mom also, god hope they will be cherish and protected all time. I wish them health and great abundance in their lifes. I love them so much and my heart goes grateful for every moment with them. God I hope you make my dreams comes true to see them healthier than ever. I showered yesterday and wore a light white colored sweater with midi jeans skirt, I left my hair natural curls without brushing just puts cantu cream to make it smoother and shiny with deeply nurturing it. Now, I’m listening to my Spotify liked tracks and enjoying a cup of tea twice because I have nothing to do seriously, enjoy your times xx

I’m not small any more, I grow up beautifully and I want to live all my life phases and have good time doing my bucket list, I was quite when I was little can’t harm anyone but some of them harm me, didn’t worry about anything happy doing my daily tasks without complaining, helping my mom in everything, cooking food sometimes the simple things only. I was somebody to rely on even when I was small, I would never let my beloved ones down ever, I’ll stay beside them at all costs. I loved music and I used to sing but not anymore. I would go back from school and pass at a fast food restaurant and orders two burgers with my two friends, I would do this every couple of days happily. Also, most importantly I was good at studying and I loved school even with few bad memories I’ve experienced but I loved studying and passing exams too. I never done so much or work hard to get good grades I just do what I can without pushing myself but I could’ve done better of course. Growing up at a school wasn’t difficult for me and I was badly respected their on the other hand college was a mess and I couldn’t complete it until now, I don’t know why but it’s depends a lot on how people treated me but I’m over it now, I don’t care no more and I should not cling to things anymore so things can flow more peacefully with me without any drama.

8th September, sad day for the world I know their will be many protocols before they burry her body in the ground but I was deeply moved and saddened by hearing the news of Queen Elizabeth’s death, it’s an end of an era and things won’t be the same again for all of the world. I hope she Rest In Peace with her beloved husband. I remembered when I was little a moment I was hearing Scottish folk music on tv and it moved me somehow the music there’s something ancient and beautiful about it. Later when I saw the crown episodes I watched the scene where Edward the 8th plays his ancestral music and there’s tears in his eyes, I recall what I saw in tv that day and I felt he’s understood because it was heartbreaking leaving his country behind him for love. There’s always be love in our heart for those who change the world with their dedication and service. Nothing but love.

29

First days of July comes softly, summer nights are never over. Jupiter in Aries for a year ahead now and it’s in my second house, it’s all about realizing your self worth and there’s definitely some good karma here coming to help you and shift changing you for better not for worse. And Im ready for this, maybe it’s a good place in the university I’ll be applying to, this summer or something else, I don’t know! My aunts are coming to our house to celebrate Eid Aladha here with us they’re all gathering in school vacation, it happens that my birthday is somewhere in the middle but it’s not any birthday, this is the last year in my twenties. I’ll say goodby to this decade in my life because the next year I’ll start a new decade with new spirit and view of this world. A wiser , a mature view. On my birthday, I woke up early, took a warm shower and wore my new dress here it is, with no fancy cake, no big celebration just a beautiful vanilla cake topped with lotus cream with two purple candles on top, and I got the prettiest flower’s bouquet from my little sister & mom. I was the happiest, reading mural by Mahmoud Darwish for the second time because the first were in my high school years here I lie after 11 years with the same passion and admiration that never changed for his poetry. Pale orange dress with flowers prints matching the yellow heat of summer and the fire of youth, fire! a word I use for the first time, a word I don’t usually use but I wanted to right something different because I feel different, fire could be anger or could be a moment of growth and dedication or it’s just a feeling because It’s as it is. All I want these days is to enjoy the simple, small pleasures of life but it seems impossible while I’m still eating medications that I don’t need, forcefully and I can’t do nothing about it except running away. I applied to my local university this month, hoping I’ll be accepted to study a medical course, therefore I’ll be studying medicine. But I can’t handle another year in the Middle East with all of this emotions baggage that I take and I lived with all this 9 years. I need a faraway land to start a healing journey, a place to change in, a new fresh air and clear skies.

I went to a salon to cut my hair a little shorter, just little because I cut it on my own couple of months ago and it wasn’t equal to each other, so! And I did my nails too, French nails are my favorite. I ordered matcha and I’m trying it for the first time, I put a small spoon of matcha powder and mix it with little boiled water and then add hot milk, voila! It’s so delicious and healthy. I also bought a black Nike backpack just for college, and I get it on my birthday. But I don’t know why I just felt disgusted and sickened from the things that I’ve been through they’re really moving bad emotions and feeling in my chest and tummy of disgustingness I’m really ill of the amount of ugliness of those people that bullied me. I remember I’ve participated in the bullying campaign that started from Nadhim Zahawi (Secretary of UK for education) on Twitter, they start a hashtag called #speakoutaboutbullying and I mentioned few things of what happened with me. Not all life pleasures can change the real agony I was in, it’s real psychological war, it’s real traumas that I need deeply to heal from. One thing hits me so hard when a disgusting doctor from Arabic nationality speak to me without invitation that “everything changed in the country now “ and saying sarcastically “you became beautiful” “be mature in mind” can you imagine the amount of ugliness; if I was a patient when I was actually a patient under these ugly souls you shouldn’t treat me like this where is your Hippocratic Oath is this how to speak to a patient you pretend to treat but if I wasn’t healthy totally in my beautiful mind they’ll not speak as such. She says this because in my first meeting with doctors in my stay at a mental hospital she speaks to the other doctor about adding another medication along way with risperdal, how inhuman she is but the other doctor speaks no there’s no need. I don’t want to remember her she’s way less than we do to make such an evil spirit alive in our memories but I want to move on and send this pain away from me. I’ll never speak again about this specific thing whether before and nor after. I wish I’ve I just could bruise them like they bruised my soul but I was like I’m handcuffed and now I’m on a mission to heal the world’s wounds.

I had many nights where I couldn’t sleep but with pills, I’m eating Quetiapine now 200 mg, the new addition to my life. I remember at middle of June I dreamt a strange dream like I was missing floating on water because there were people playing in something like water park that goes in one direction and because I refuse to play with them I missed the path that carry’s them down, suddenly I find myself stepping on dead animals like rats and sleeping baby monkeys they were so beautiful and peaceful when I looked down to them when I was trying to survive out of the water, then I woke up. I don’t usually remember my dreams but this dream looks like it was carved in me, so strange specially the image of the two baby monkeys sleeping beside each other, I don’t know what it may mean but I’ll just move on and forget about it, like many other things in life. Something that will never be forgotten this year is my grandmother’s death on 9 april, 2022 Ramadan in hospital I’ll never forget how I woke up shockingly from my aunts screams saying to my mom “our mother’s gone, we will never see her again” and keeps repeating it while crying and suddenly everyone came to our house from relatives and they were crying because they’ll pray on her and burry her. For three days unbelievable amount of womens coming to our home for consolation. I’ve greeted them and sat away of them, I was all alone as usual but I dealt with it coldly I just remembered the bad and good days we felt with her and I remembered the green dress I wanted her to give it to me when I were a kid and how she remember me and gave it to me last year when we moved to Taif. And I remember a picture I told to my mom she was kissing me on my cheek, I was maybe 10 or 11 in the picture and I say she loved us even when my father wasn’t a good husband to my mom and we felt outsiders in my mom’s family.

Leather boots

Quite cold nights, sincere laughs and talks, family gatherings, warm dinner meals and change is between the sheets. The world is still struggling with COVID, the vaccine appears to the surface but I didn’t take it yet, and it happens that I’m not one of COVID survivors. Me and all of my family were somehow immune to this disease or simply it’s not the time it gets to us. On the other side my battle with schizophrenia still exist, I try desperately to tell the new doctor I saw that I’ve been falsely diagnosed but no one listens, what bothers me even more is that my father and brother are putting a huge pressure on me by telling me I must eat the medication, further more by telling the responsible doctor that I don’t eat it and upon their request he changed the medication to injection instead of pills and now my misery road started being more like hell after this injection, I guess I’ll be crossing hospitals with my leather boots for a while now because I don’t know when it will stops! I just want all this to stop. I know that one day everything will come to an end, eventually things will change and our fears will dissolve, the sun will shine again with no heavy mind. I’m not hear to tell you what you’ve heard hundreds of times before. I’m hear to shed the lights on your wounds, so you can know them, understand them, never be ashamed of them, to help you and me, in our healing journey. What’s life in the end? But a beautiful journey to discover the self, a journey not too far outside, you may never leave your room or your country but a journey to the deepest point of and through your soul. One day when I was a kid I was at school and I remember how terrible I was in math, not very terrible but fair enough bad, I’m definitely not the only one to say this; everyone is equally bad at math but I never give up or told myself I can’t understand it! I’m always trying and taking good grades above all. Some people give up and fails or stop trying and that’s not bad either but never me, and I know I’m not alone, just like being bad at math is common and isn’t lonely experience. We understand our pain better when we learn ourselves that we aren’t alone in what we feel. Things will pass and I believe good is the basis of life even with all the injustice and traumas. Life is good, take it as a listen, learn from it and things will unfold clear to you.

I feel nostalgic to memories I never left, to memories I live with everyday I don’t want to leave it, don’t want to. Music, coffee, studying for hours & lying almost dead, doing nothing. Waking up on my mother’s voice, knowing always I’ll be back home. Tears never dried. So lie here my darling, lie with your broken dreams as you’ll no longer going to live tomorrow. No one will find rest, trust me! They’ll turn to paper trees as you’ll close your eyes, no one will find peace; the voice will keep calling tell no other.