White blues

Here it’s, a three years anniversary
Woke up this morning
with sunflower in my mouth
In a place where I don’t want to be in
Here it’s three years in November
Struggling with family
Struggling with medicines, with purple life

I remember when I was hospitalized
In a mental institute, for the first time
I stayed for three months
I don’t know if this number
should mean something
but I was even sleeping in room number three
Seems so far away now
But the feeling is the same, never changed

I know I’m not sick; I told myself
and I can’t leave my dream to escape behind me
Bi-polar starts getting closer to my skin
Closer than it should be
Everyday I became the medication or
It became me
Sweet baby tablet of Abilify,
How it affects someone’s body
Someone’s brain
Does it numb your pain too?

White blues
I got all the time to do the things
That never did before
I got a life I never wanted to lose it
So let’s make some memories
Milk & water, white beds
Pancakes on breakfast and tears in the morning
Clean halls and nurses
surrounds you in every occasion
Walking in empty circles all day long
Getting used on the weird talk
The weird stares
Become one of them
By time you’ll stop worrying about the life outside
the hospital became all your life
where you become caught in every detail

Nothing much I missed but the warm summer sun
Celebrating my birthday and
Wearing my favorite clothes
Three years now I still remember vividly The smell of illness and the noise

Twenty six blossoms

1. Published 5 written pieces
2. Learned music basics
3. Reading music sheets
4. Listened to +10000 song
5. Knew +1000 musicians
6. Traveled to Jeddah
7. Celebrate my birthday at Angelina Café
8. Read a lot about astrology
9. My favorite planet is Jupiter
10. Sent my name & my mom’s to Mars with NASA’s next rover in July, 2020
11. Reached +500 tweets
12. Meditate by the sea
13. Richard Dawkins started a campaign against Islam and I’m in
14. Been followed by an amazing writer
15. A beautiful soul kissed me in my cheek once in a dream
16. Genius is fragility, in memory of Ian Curtis
17. Lana Del Rey is Cancer 4:47 pm
18. Bought a running shoe from Skechers
19. Wrote a published piece in memory of my grandfather
20. I’m beautiful and grateful for everything I have
21. Time to change, to work alone, time to live
22. My hair is a mermaid like 🧜🏻‍♀️
23. Planned my next half-life in Italy 🇮🇹
24. Bought a rose milk swimwear with sun hat
25. Goin to travel to Khobar
26. Goin to love my life

Give me apples from Syria, peaches from Amman, jasmine from Aleppo, lemons from Egypt, sultanas, myrtle, camomile, pomegranates, white roses, little pastries, nutmeg ring cakes, sweets, short pastry, puff pastry, sugar and incense, amber, musk and candle wax. Arabian Nights by Pasolini, 1974

Well & A rifle

He was everything he must be, every eid he would visit, a very realistic and dignified figure, he would sit with us and tell us his stories and I would laugh, that doesn’t make sense! but he knew I was just a child, if I only go back in time to hear all of his stories and I would swear to him I will never laugh again, if I only could. He was a picture of light, I have never thought he could have a difficult time, he’s strong willed, left life with glory, resisting in that dark summer day. The one story I remember vividly, when I was seven years old, he told me how he defeated the jinni, he was alone in the woods holding his rifle beside a well where he saw a jinni and a after a bad conversation with him he kept repeating to me how he captured and reprehend him, in that moment I told my self: grandfather, you have such a strong heart. I wish I could have said that out loud, and I wish it remains a memory or a thin strand of hope. His story, was similar to Faust but the last was lacking energy and enthusiasm comparing to my grandfather’s version, its a story when you can realize that the devil is not a fictional character in ancient books but its closer to us than veins, colors we see and perceptions we hold. Now I knew, I could never be a Faustian even metaphorically. my great grandfather; I will remember you at the meeting of the mountains, in the sun and moon cycles, in the sacred water, the delicate church’s bread and the verses of poems. I would see you as as you are, a universal soul, a doctrine of faith and morals, a humble teacher surrounded with trees of fruits, a mortal who fight the devil to his very last breaths.

Black mirror: Bandersnatch game guide

Stefan is a 19 years old who woke up one day on 9th, July of 1984 reading a narrative called Bandersnatch by Jerome F. Davies, it was his mom’s favorite novel, so he decided to design a game by the same name and idea; when you can choose what will happen to your character, programming different paths and different endings. Through this process, he’s questioning his free of will and control over his destiny, the same reason that led the author Jerome F. Davies to kill his wife and beheaded her. If you ever wondered if Jerome F. was a real person/writer? No, he wasn’t! He’s a fictional character although I’m not sure about the game Bndersnatch. According to some articles I read, they did say it exist back in the eighties in another name or form but it never been released. Now, we must also know that Stefan felt guilty all his life about letting his moms catch a late train that night when he was five years old kid, he believe its because of him she died. You will definitely discover that in the interactive choices that’s given to you, when you choose Yes, to talk a bout it.

I loved watching this, really, its dark and authentic, I told myself oh god I’m stupid because I wasn’t close enough to hear the numbers which lead me to let Stefan die in another timeline with his mom, here I am to my very own first ending. I was shocked at first, is that it? No, It cant be, I’m really dumb because I just missed typing the number when he discovered his father is a bad government agent and Stefan is Program & Control study victim! But later, he was in jail again and that wasn’t really the way or at least a better ending based on my standards. There’s no right or wrong, there’s choices and there’s a better choice indeed. I spent all day long figuring out new paths and what it may leads me to, its a game within a game. You’re choosing what will happen to Stefan, or what he will do and which music he listen to although you really don’t have much of choice over your film/game ending but you can think of a more complex programming or story, how it will look like? it’s really fascinating! Lets back to whats this article about, here’s a diagram stating all the possibilities and endings to this film in the same classic maps that have two possibilities symbol.

I somehow neglect options that didn’t have significant change, for example the cereals choice at the begging it didn’t change something obvious but the one you already choose comes as an advertisement later so technically in programming there’s two different paths from the first choice but it didn’t effect my story, its just a matter of taste. Enjoy and happy Christmas to all of you!

Untitled Diagram

شمسُ ظهيرة وبحر

إنني أرى نفسي بعيدة
عن العالم،
بأيامٍ مُبعثرة
وبرائحةٍ كالخريف
وقلمٍ لا يكتب

لتلكَ الأوراق الجميلة
ولتلك السماوات
هذه هي نهايةُ صيفي
وبداية شتائي..

هذا هو وقتي للملمة القُطن
ولحصادِ القمح
تلكَ هي حياتي،
كاجتماع شمس ظهيرة